36 weeks

36 Weeks Pregnant

Your baby continues to put on weight by about 1/2 pound each week. It's no wonder the womb is becoming very cramped. Your baby is gaining weight quickly because layers of fat pile on and help in both body temperature regulation and developing his immunity in preparation for life in the outside world. You may find you are carrying your baby much lower now (or soon will be) as the baby drops into the birth canal, readying himself for birth. Your baby is about 19 inches long and weighs from 5.5 to 6.0 pounds. The vast majority of babies born now will live with little need for intensive medical treatment.

My due date is fast approaching, being one month from yesterday. My contentedness with this pregnancy is running out. I know this is normal but I was hoping it would last longer. The biggest annoyance is the pain in my tail bone from the fall I took a couple of weeks ago. My midwife described to me what she thought happened since I was confused about how I could possibly hurt my tailbone by falling on my hands and knees. She said what probably happened was the impact of me falling made the baby's head slam into my tailbone and now it's inflamed and the muscles are trying to compensate for the torqued tailbone. It seems to be getting worse every day. Hopefully I can get into see the chiropractor at my next appointment since I missed it this week.

I had a good appointment this week. Everything looked good and I miraculously only gained ONE POUND! I must be nesting so much that I'm burning all the calories I'm consuming. I have now gained 23 pounds; MUCH less than my previous pregnancies.

I finally got to meet the midwife's apprentice who will be assisting during my delivery and Daniel and I both really like her.

I talked to my midwife about labor and what to expect since I've never gone through the actual delivery of my babies without a spinal or epidural. Hopefully I'm prepared enough for that. I also talked to her about my frustrations with Daniel refusing to be in the birthing tub with me and she explained to me that guys are different when it comes to birth- they don't see it as a beautiful process that should necessarily be treasured on every level, they're more concerned about the safety and messiness of it all. She encouraged me to give him a break and let him handle it as he feels comfortable because it's all he can really do and the fact that he's willing to be there with me through it all and not just say, "I can't do this" and walk out (apparently it happens sometimes!) is something that I should appreciate and accept. I feel much better about it now that she helped me put it into perspective.

I did the Group B Strep test and she felt the baby's positioning and heartrate, which were both good.

I go back in two weeks when I will be 37 weeks. Let's see where my patience is standing at that point...

34 Weeks- Fleeting Time

I cannot believe I am merely 6 weeks away from my due date. As any woman at this stage, I have mixed feelings. I'd love to be relieved of all of my pregnancy ailments, but I'm also clutching the last few moments as a mother of 2, family of 4. I'm trying to spend as much time with Chloe and Auron as possible while I can since I'll be so occupied breastfeeding and kangaroo-caring my new little Yummy.



Last night when we put the kids to bed, Auron was feeling particularly clingy, so I cradled him in my lap while I sat on my exercise ball and bounced him to sleep, knowing that the time I have to rock (or bounce) him to sleep uninterrupted is closing, moment-by-moment. And I felt a sense of sadness. My baby boy is no longer going to be the baby and I won't be able to devote so much time cuddling (and, yes, coddling) him as I have done for the past two and a half years. He'll be pushed to the "older sibling" slot and he'll have to deal with my diverted attention to a new baby brother or sister. I'm not sure how well he'll handle the transition, as much as he seems excited about the prospect of a new baby.


Chloe was never jealous of Auron. She handled the situation in a different way. She hated me and replaced me with her daddy. In fact, she began doing this when I weaned her 5 months before his birth when I (traumatically) weaned her from the breast. She felt I rejected her by refusing to connect with her the way we had always done and adding a new baby that got my mostly-undivided attention only made it worse. We've reconnected over time and are mostly healed, but I wonder what may have happened had I waited longer to have Auron, as I have done with this baby (which will be a 31-month difference compared to the 23-month spacing of my first two).


I know that somehow we will all get through this adjustment as all families with a new baby have done and I believe that having the experience of Chloe to Chloe + Auron will help us to handle the situation with more wisdom and tact.


As for the pregnancy, it is continuing well. I had gained 6 pounds between my last two appointments (2 weeks apart), putting me up to 22 pounds in total; still not bad although it is a bit much for a two-week period. I guess I'll start watching my late night snacking a bit. Baby was still vertex and my midwife predicted it to be a boy. Daniel still needs to find a boy's name but he did an excellent job of picking the most beautiful girl's name (which will not be revealed until the birth). I had chosen Lily several months ago for a first name, but the name he came up with was so spectacular that I demoted it to middle name status.


I've been having many more Braxton Hicks contractions lately which were made much worse when I took a fall yesterday. I went to the neighbor's house to retrieve my silly dog that had escaped and when I got her on the leash, she jerked forward to try to chase one of the neighbor dogs that runs loose and I lost my balance in the gravel and fell forward, cutting my hand and leg and deeply cutting into my pride. My uterus was very irritated for most of the day after this and made me uncomfortable and a little worried. I knew I would probably not be thrust into early labor and was glad that I could shield my belly from the impact with my hands, so everything turned out fine.


I ordered my birthing kit online yesterday as well as the start of nursing bras. I began packing my birthing center bag as well so I continue to feel more and more prepared with each step. I also ordered some incredibly divine ichiko shochu which is Japanese barley vodka that I sampled while in Los Angeles to use for my placenta tincture. By the way- holy cow, shipping on mail-order alcohol is ridiculous!! It was $20 for shipping for a $19-dollar bottle of alcohol! ...I should have just taken the time and found it in Albuquerque. Oh well, live and learn.


I will be able to deliver at the birth center at 36 weeks, so I have 2 more weeks to keep this baby in here so that I can avoid an icky hospital experience. I keep feeling like this baby is going to come sooner than my desired 4 days late (November 5th is my grandparent's anniversary), but I'm doing my best to keep him/her inside until we have reached full term.


This weekend is my baby shower and I am very excited about celebrating this baby with my closest friends and family.

Chloe’s Birth: The child who made me a mother.

It took a year to conceive her, with a miscarriage at 10 weeks in the middle that ended on Easter, 2005. I knew the moment it happened that she was with me. I took a pregnancy test 3 days before my cycle was due and it was positive. That was the only home pregnancy test I ever took with her. My pregnancy was filled with dreams of meeting her and the new life to come. It was a healthy pregnancy with no complications until the end. I was not very active and probably ate too much; I gained 42 pounds, topping the scales at almost 190 pounds.

My due date came and went and a 6-mile walk with Daniel did no good but cause fatigue. Finally, 6 days after my due date, my water broke. It was 2:30pm on Wednesday, March 28th. I called Daniel home from work so that we could drive an hour to the hospital, not knowing how quickly labor would be. My mom came with us and I kept a notebook, timing contractions that started about 45 minutes after the water broke. They were very gentle and not coming frequently in the beginning.

Arriving at triage, I am 2 centimeters dilated and am told to walk around the hospital and eat lightly so we head down to Subway and try to get labor going. We walk and walk and walk. Eventually we go back and get set up in a room. The birthing suites were very nice and comfortable. Visitors begin arriving. I’m checked occasionally and am not progressing very quickly, despite the increasing pain of the contractions. Family and friends who were well-meaning ended up making me feel out of sorts and stressed, extending labor further.

Fast-forward to the next evening, 28 hours after water broke. I’ve dilated to 8 centimeters and things are going downhill. By this point, I have no energy to stay on top of the contractions and exhaustion is getting the best of me. I end up sleeping through the contractions in the last few hours. The baby stops responding to the contractions and is not fully engaged in the pelvis and the on-call midwife is concerned about my water being broken for so long (with so many vaginal exams, infection is likely). I’m talked into a dose of an IV drug, Nubain. It does nothing but make me even more tired. An amnioinfusion is done to try to cushion the baby, in hope of making her relax and come down the birth canal. As far as I can tell this has no effect. I’m also instructed to get on my hands and knees to help with her descent. This is difficult because the contractions are killing me and I have zero energy.

Finally, “c-section” is brought up and I have no fight left in me to combat this idea. The midwife explains the combination of factors that make it seem like the best option: water broken past 24 hours, “failure to progress” (which I suspect was not true), failure to engage, fetal distress, and maternal exhaustion. I agree and am wheeled into the OR for the prep.

In the OR, I’m told to sit up so that I can receive my spinal and have one last contraction. The anesthesiologist says, “That may be the last contraction you ever feel.” Once I’m numb and ready for the procedure, Daniel’s brought in, dressed in scrubs and a mask. Most of it’s a blur because I’m in and out of consciousness, trying to stay awake for the birth of my baby. Then she’s out and I hear crying. “5:56 pm.” The nurse asks me if I want “a little margarita” in my IV and I just nod. Then I’m asleep. Once the rest is over and I’m all sewn up, I’m wheeled into the private recovery room where Daniel and my sweet little girl are waiting. I get to hold her 30-45 minutes after she’s born and, although I’m dead tired and half-numb, I am so relieved to have her out and see that she’s healthy.

One stupid thought I had when I was being wheeled into the OR and after the c-section was, “Oh, thank God. Now it’ll just be me and Daniel and since visiting hours are now over and everyone else has to come back tomorrow to see my new baby, I’ll have her to myself!” That was definitely a perk!

I try to nurse her right away in the recovery room, with the help of the nurse and it’s not exactly successful, but it’s a good time to get acquainted. I continue trying to breastfeed her over the next few days and it proves very difficult. Chloe was born with her tongue sticking out. I mean, her head was born, sticking out of me, and she’s looking up at the doctors with her tongue sticking out at them- not a happy girl. Turned out that she kept it out for the next 3 months and that made it hard for her to learn breastfeeding and I experienced cracked, bleeding nipples. Since I refused formula (it was never an option for me) and breastfeeding wasn’t getting the job done, she developed moderate jaundice. She was put under the bili-lights for 24-36 hours because her level got up to 19 and the doctors got concerned. So we spent most of that time in the nursery with her, feeding, cuddling her, and holding her under the lights.

Finally I received a visit from the midwife who had taken care of my prenatal care and we discuss the birth and the breastfeeding problems. I had been visited previously from an on-staff lactation consultant who did nothing to improve the situation except frustrate and confuse me and piss off Chloe by shoving her onto my breast. My midwife suggested I try the “football” hold. We get her all setup, I move her in slow-motion toward my breast to latch on and… it works. Since that latch-on, she nursed like a champ. I continued to have soreness from the previous damage, but it healed after that and my temporary use of a nipple shield was discontinued.

Afterbirth experience

Once home, I was stuck in bed to recover with my new tiny angel and Percocet. I had Daniel there helping me for the first week or so but I couldn’t tell you what it was like because the drugs had me so out of it that it’s all a haze. Somehow we made it through that time without any drug-induced mishaps and I eventually come out of the Percocet Haze. Once it was just me and my girl, I settle into a routine of cuddle, nurse, nap, cuddle, but something is amiss.

As I described in a previous post, my uterus was not ready to let go of her and experienced its own version of post-traumatic stress disorder which was cured with sessions of closeness between the two.

I went on to breastfeed Chloe until she was 18 ½ months old, when I was 4 months pregnant with her little brother.

She still has the stick-your-tongue-out-at-the-world attitude. That’s my girl!

31 weeks

I had a major freakout when I thought I was leaking amniotic fluid this week. It turned out to be an infection easily cured with OTC meds. This close call got me inspired to complete the tasks that still needed to be done in preparation for this baby. I needed to buy a carseat, and that I ordered online this evening (check!), and we need to come up with a boy name. Daniel's in charge of the first name and the middle name's up to me, so I am going to try to come up with a list that I like to present to him for his vote (we always have veto rights on each other's choices). I find name-searching to be tedious and annoying and this is why I haven't done it yet.
At my emergency midwife appointment yesterday, I went ahead and did my regular checkup stuff. I had some protein in my urine and leukocytes (related to the infection), baby had turned head-down, yay!, and I had lost 3 lbs since my last appointment, bringing me down to a total gain of 15 lbs for the pregnancy so far. My midwife told me to be sure not to restrict my food, which is never a problem for me because I love to eat. I've never gained this little during a pregnancy before. I gained 42 with Chloe and 31 with Auron and I don't see myself doubling my weight gain in the next 9 weeks or so.

After she reviewed my ultrasound with the perinatologist, my midwife gave me the green light for an out-of-hospital delivery. I am so relieved to have this information so that I can finally plan my birth. I am clear to order my birthing kit and pack my birthing center bag. I don't have to worry about having a babysitter for what might be days at a time for the kids and have the option to have them there with me when I deliver. For this, I am keeping and open mind. If things go smoothly and work out, then we may bring them with us to the birthing center. I don't want to have any expectations about this so that I can try to make the best decision possible for the time, so I'm trying not to think about it very much except for the fact that I want someone to come with us to take care of them. But who??

So my pregnancy update checklist for week 31 is this:

•How far along?: 31 weeks.


•Total weight gain: 15 lbs. Thank you veggie subs and being way too busy!

•How big is baby?: depending on where you search, the baby is about 3- 3.5 lbs and can be up to 18 inches long.

•Maternity clothes?: Mostly, but I do have some jeans that ride low enough to wear under the belly.

•Stretch marks?: No new ones as far as I can tell, although there may be one on my breast...

•Sleep?: Sleep has not been great lately. I can't seem to get into a comfortable position and something ends up aching. Once I finally get in a good position, one of the kids always wakes me up for something. UGH!

•Best moment this week?: Finding out that the baby is okay- no premie so far, that he/she is vertex again, and finally being able to plan my sweet birthing center birth.

•Movement?: Of course movement is getting more intense and the baby goes through this moments of hurricane shaking. I'm not sure what's going on in there, but I can tell that this child is getting very strong!

•Food cravings?: Same as always, foot-long vegetable subs with extra cheese and mayo.

•Labor signs?: Besides the false leaking, no. I did have a few painful contractions last week when I was feeling completely exhausted physically and emotionally, but a 2-hr nap fixed that right up.

•Belly button in or out?: Forever out. But at least it doesn't hurt like it used to!

•What I miss: Being able to maneuver around without being slow or something aching.

•What I'm looking forward to: Getting closer to delivery time. I am excited about this birth!

•Milestone: I am now in single digit weeks! 63 days and counting although I am expecting to go late like I did with Chloe.

In the clear...?

I had my ultrasound today to determine the location of my placenta in reference to my c-section incision. The tech was much better- seemed to be more experienced and knowledgeable. He did some (seemingly unnecessary) checking on the heart, measurements, etc., before getting to the point. After some "doing" he concluded that the edge of the placenta was about 2-3 centimeters from the edge of the scar but he's "not 100% on that." Okayy, I hope he's right because, and I don't know much about this but, it seems like 2-3 centimeters is pretty close! I'll get the full report when I go to my next appointment on the 30th.

He also said that the baby's in a breech/transverse position. This worries me because it's the exact position Chloe was stuck in when I had the version with her (luckily it was successful). I was told at that time that my septic uterus would cause my babies to gravitate toward being in this position. Although the version totally sucked and was painful and scary, it was definitely worth avoiding a c-section. Ironically, I had one anyway, but it was not because she was breech. If I have to have a version again with this baby, I will but I am interested to see if my midwife is willing to deliver a breech baby... I will update on that once I find out.

He estimated that the baby weighs 3 pounds and is a week ahead of my due date. He/she passed the heart check test, "8 out of 8." That's my baby! Gettin' A's already! =)

Post-Appt Update

The appointment went well; I had my blood drawn for the glucose test, signed some consent forms for some of the newborn procedural stuff, and found out that I gained 10 lbs since my appoitment 5 weeks ago. This isn't surprising since I have been pretty immobile from this stupid back pain. I have had a few episodes of faintness accompanied by shakiness and some nausea despite my continual nourishment. She suggested that I buy iron drops since it sounds to her like I'm anemic and that's what's causing these problems. Oops, I should probably start taking that!

Anyway, we talked about the ultrasound that I had done and the report that she received on it. She spoke with the peri and they agreed that it has to be redone since the tech didn't know what the frick he was doing and didn't get enough shots of the placenta to know if I'm in the clear. I have yet to hear back from the office for scheduling of that scan.

After the appointment, I went to my chiropractor appointment and it took him about 4 minutes to realign my pelvis, which he said was all outta whack. I have felt much better since that adjustment. I go back in 3 weeks when my next midwife appointment is scheduled.

So I'm down 28 weeks, up 18 pounds, and still don't know where I will be delivering. I'll hold off ordering my birthing kit until I know if I'm high or low risk.

Once I get over this cold that is surfacing, I'm going to make it a point to start being more active so as to avoid blimping out and gaining a bunch of weight.

3rd Trimester!

I am officially 28 weeks pregnant and man, am I feelin' it! If I am up and around very much I get pretty wiped out. This child is definitely getting stronger. Sometimes he/she will kick so hard, it hurts!

I see my midwife this week and I have my glucose draw. I have to remember to eat complex carbs and protein 2 hours before my appointment. If I fail, I have to drink the glucola for my 3-hour. I've never failed, so I'm not worried about it. My chiropractor appointment is also coming up this week. Hopefully it will be a miracle cure for this creaky old back 'o mine. I've got to make it a point to get my abs back in shape after this baby's born.

Life Update:

Chloe starts Pre-K next week and I'm thrilled/a little freaked out. I am going shopping this week for clothes for her and Auron for the winter and hopefully I can find a few neutral items for this baby. I also have to find her a backpack- particularly one WITHOUT freakin' Dora or any other stupid-ass character. I really hate for my kids to be walking advertisements. Daniel thinks it's cute which is bad for me because it makes it a bigger struggle to fight against it.

I'm trying to get an idea of lunches for Chloe because I will not subject her to public elementary school food. Barf. And since she's ridiculously picky, that probably means a lot of pb&j, but at least it's organic and whole grain! If she could have cereal easily, I'd do that because she can eat cereal for every snack and meal. I think lunch is my #1 concern right now because I won't be there to tell her to finish her food. Hopefully by strategically making it super cute, she'll gobble it down.

The other thing I'm wondering about is how Auron is going to handle being Chloe-free for 32 hours a week... I think I'll be able to take him to work with me since they each are infinitely better behaved for me when I they are separated. It will be nice to have some alone time with him for a little while before the new baby comes. He's never had that and I loved my time with Chloe when she was little.

26 Weeks

Wrapping up my 25th week, I'm beginning to feel heavily pregnant. The rate at which I get up from sitting is increasing and I have begun to enlist the help of my kids to do so. I'm feeling more tired and achy every day and my back (via diastasis recti), I'm sure, is the culprit. I got a massage for my birthday last week, thank you mom!, and that helped me feel better for a few days and I go see my new chiropractor on Friday- hopefully it will do wonders! Of course, by then, I will be so sore from sitting for almost 3 full days that it will probably be INCREDIBLE!

I'm going to be in training in the big city for 3 days (8 hours each day) for work. It's a training for trainers, so it will enable me to travel and train other peer counselors and others who may need/want this training. I'm not thrilled to be away from my family for so long, but I suppose it will be nice to have a change of pace for a little while.

My new term starts this week as well. The class that I'm taking is called Creating Wellness: Psychological and Spritual Aspects of Healing. Sounds fun. I'm very relieved to have a break from my classload for the rest of the year. I hope that I'm ready to get back to my full-time status once the new years starts and the new baby's a couple months old.

Oh yeah, this is a pregnancy update... This baby is doing very well, according to the ultrasound that I had on Wednesday. I went in to see if my placenta was clear of my incision site so that I can be cleared for out-of-hospital birth. I expected a simple and clear answer and shame on me for that. The tech was nice; was understanding of my rowdy kids in the room, was happy to explain his process and seemed very knowledgeable about his job.

He started when the baby was asleep, went right to the face and saw several little yawns. Adorable. Continued with his anatomy scan (I was sure to tell him NOT to let on about the sex) and the kids became increasingly obnoxious. I was pretty stressed out because I couldn't get them to settle down and was stuck on the table, unable to physically restrain them. It appears that the baby was getting stressed too because when he went back to the face, baby had the hand up on the head with the mouth open in an adorably stressed-looking gesture:

Poor baby.

He said that after the full anatomy scan, that the baby was measuring about 2 weeks ahead and was already 2 lbs 1 oz!  A baby at this age is usually only about a pound and a half. Everything looked perfect.

Then I asked him where my placenta was, attempting to explain the situation and he didn't get it. He told me it was anterior (on the front) and so I was clear to have a vaginal birth. This is great news but not what I was asking or concerned about. I asked him again if he could tell me if it was attached at the c-section incision site and he repeated what he had already said: anterior, not posterior, blah, blah, blah. He pissed me off after that because he decided it was necessary to explain the difference between anterior and posterior (I know this!). In the end, he finally said that he could not visualize my incision but that it seemed like my placenta was around there. UGH. After an anxious call to my midwife, she assured me that he was just the tech and that the report would be sent to and reviewed by a perinatologist who would forward the results to her. If I have to have a repeat ultrasound, I will. I just wish I knew whether to plan for another hospital birth or if I could mentally prepare for my desired birthing center/home birth.

My next appointment is August 11th, so I hope to learn more by then.

Here are the rest of the pics I got from the ultrasound. (I think it looks like Auron)

24 week update

We are viable!

I met with my midwife last week and everything went well. I gained 6 lbs since my last visit, bringing me up to 8 lbs total so far. We got to hear the baby on fetoscope and stethoscope with heartrate at about 140. I decided to opt out of a pap for this pregnancy because I had one last year and everything has been normal for the past few years, so I can afford to put it off until 3 years from now on. YAY! I scheduled my placental location ultrasound, which will be next Wednesday, July 21st and I won't have to drive to the big city for that, which is always nice. At that point, I will be able to plan on where to give birth. If it is close to or beneath my c-section incision, I will go in for another one at the end to check the location before I go into labor. As long as we're in the clear, I'll be able to deliver in the birth center or at home if I don't feel like driving an hour to the birth center. I have no clue how long this labor is going to be since my last was induced at 38 weeks because of Pre-eclampsia, so I'm going to have to just listen to my body.

Besides that, I talked to her about my increasingly horrible back pain, which is directly related to my diastasis recti. She checked its severity while I was there and it was 3+ fingers. That means that it is advanced, hard to repair, and causes some seriously painful/uncomfortable problems. She referred me to a chiropractor who is experienced in treating pregnant women and I was able to make an appointment for July 30! Unfortunately, I'll be going to the city at least twice that same week, so that is definitely going to be tiring but at least I'll get paid for those two days since it's a training.

At my next appointment, I will have my blood drawn for the glucose test but my midwife is really nice and isn't making me drink the flat orange soda; I just have to eat two hours before my appointment, a meal that includes complex carbs and protein. I have to limit any juice that I drink that morning to 4 ounces or less. If I do not pass that test, I will have to drink the orange for the follow-up 3-hour test. I've never failed the test so I'm not worried about it.

The baby is obviously getting much bigger; I can see and feel rolling and almost every movement. The night before last, Chloe had a middle-of-the-night-pillow-freak-out tantrum that woke up the baby and made him/her really upset. There was furious kicking and squirming and I swear, if I could see into my uterus, I would have seen my poor scared baby crying silently in there. ='( At least I know that hearing isn't going to be an issue!

That's the gist at this time. I'll probably wait to post again until after my ultrasound. Maybe I'll take a giant-belly picture for that one.

23 Weeks and VACA!

Alrighty, so I've been MIA because I went on an INCREDIBLE vacation in Los Angeles! We stayed with some great friends who took great care of us. We went to the Long Beach Aquarium, Venice Beach, Redondo Beach, took a quick tour of LA hotspots, and ate at some delicious restaurants- although I have to say that I had the best food at home where our hostess prepared authentic Japanese cuisine! I think shabu shabu was my favorite! Here are some pics from the trip:

Now onto the pregnancy update.

I am now 23 weeks and the baby's movements have gotten really strong and fun! I do not enjoy when s/he kicks my downstairs, but it's so fun when s/he squishes all to one side and my belly is lopsided. Everything is going well; my next midwife appointment is this week on my birthday and my mom is going with me. I am going to ask to schedule my anatomy scan so that, if my placenta is attached at my C-section incision site and I have to deliver in the hospital, I have time to mentally prepare for that. I'm praying that it is good and out of the way because I really want a better birth this time with few interventions.

I'll update again after that appointment.

Whoops

I just "followed" my own blog! Oh, well. It shows off my sense of humor! (NOT my blonde-ness, right?)

21 Weeks

I've reached the 21 week mark and it's going great. I cleaned the house spick and span for hubster so that he would be relaxed when he came home for Father's Day but he didn't really notice and went outside to work on the yard. So much for my expectations! Oh, well. We had a fabulous dinner at my grandparents house, cooked by my mom and then headed to my in-laws for the rest of the evening.

I'm feeling the baby many times a day now and the movements are getting stronger. Sometimes it catches me off-guard and I squeal or jump. Nothing has changed really, just getting closer to the end!

I am NOT looking forward to fireworks or our stupid annual bike rally next month. I'm such an old grump. I don't care. I wish we were going to be gone for one or both of these events, but alas, we will be back just in time to "enjoy" the festivities.

This has turned into a regular bitch-session instead of a pregnancy update so I'm logging off and heading to bed.

Sidenote: I'm 99% sure that a friend has delivered her baby over the weekend and I'm still waiting for the announcement! Come on! Tell us what you had!!! I'm dying to find out! I hope everything is going well with her little family. You know who you are!!

A Tribute to a Wonderful Father

My husband is one of the most incredible fathers I have ever witnessed. He is extremely selfless when it comes to his children and lets them absolutely abuse him whether it's treating him like a human trampoline or a doodle pad. It's adorable. So today, I dedicated my blog to him and I look forward to another child experiencing his love and adoration. I love you baby!

4 Month Anniversary

It has been 4 months today since I found out I was pregnant with my third child. I have about 20 more weeks until I meet my little surprise and, so far, this pregnancy has completely flown by. Next week is vaca in SoCal and I am really looking forward to getting away for a while.

Halfway There!

I'm 20 weeks pregnant today and I'm happy to have the first half over with because that means I am that much closer to having a new yummy baby. I've been having fun cuddling babies at work and it has really helped get me excited about having a new baby again and less nervous about the prospect of THREE to handle and the stress that comes with it.

At my last midwife appointment I had gained 2 pounds and everything looked good. I can feel the baby moving so much now and I love that! I bought the first thing for this baby a few weeks ago- a light blue onesie. I liked seeing Chloe in blue (it brought out her eyes) so it works for either gender. It's going to be different shopping for more gender-neutral clothing this time but I'm not going to start for another few months. Our biggest purchase is going to be a new convertible carseat. I hate infant carriers and stopped using them after Chloe; I didn't miss it a bit with Auron. It was much easier just to put him in the sling, especially since Chloe was under 2 when he was born.

Since it's my blog and I can bitch if I want to, I'm going to spend some time bitching about infant carriers and how inconsiderate people are to their babies when in them! I work at the WIC office and I see babies ALL the time. When parents/whoever carry babies in infant carriers, they forget to handle the baby with care and he/she gets jostled all over the place. On a regular basis! Secondly, almost no one knows how to properly restrain their child in such a seat and it poses such a unnecessary risk to them- usually because they don't care about it or don't want the baby to be uncomfortable. Come on people! Get your shit together! Your baby's life is at stake every time you drive with him/her in the car!

Alrighty, I'm done with that.

So I'm doing great! Baby's great! It's all downhill from here.

Reminder to self: post regarding age spacing between siblings; I had a bit of an epiphany!

Well I did it...

I spoke to my advisors and worked out a plan to cut down to one class per term until the end of the year (that's two terms total). Next term I will be studying Creating Wellness- Psychological and Spiritual Aspects of Healing, which sound pretty great. It's another 400-level course, but I think it will be much easier for me to focus on it without the stress of another class. I did have to pay a bit of a price to be able to do this though. The difference between my Pell grant and the tuition was too low to file for financial aid so I have to pay it over the next few months.

The following term, I have to choose an elective that's either on the health side or the wellness side (as my major is Health and Wellness). This sets my graduation date back a bit, but I guess I don't have to race to the finish line!

An Immediate Blog

Literally 2 minutes ago, Daniel asked me, "Is she trained in this??"....

He likes to horseplay with the kids often which is helpful for them all because they get tired and he gets much-needed baby-love from them. He's sitting on the couch next to me while they are standing/jumping/beating on him when Chloe reaches over, grabs a bottle of lotion, takes off the lid and goes to apply to daddy when he says, "STOP!" turns to me and proceeds to ask the question.

I could not stop laughing to even think of an answer to this question, so I said, "I'm SO blogging this! RIGHT NOW!"

Holy hell, the bloggable moments in my life are incredible!

19 Weeks

Your Baby: Week 19


Vernix caseosa, a greasy white substance made of lanugo, oil and dead skin cells (yum) now coats baby's skin, shielding it from the amniotic fluid. (Picture yourself after a nine-month bath, and the need for protection makes sense.) You might actually get to see the vernix at birth, especially if baby is premature.









It's after midnight so I am officially 19 weeks pregnant. It's really flying by, thanks life keeping me busy and stressed out! I feel good physically but definitely more pregnant. My diastasis recti makes my belly huge and my back hurt but my midwife gave me a pregnancy exercise book that has a section on this. Hopefully I can be diligent enough to help close the gap a bit.

I had my latest midwife appointment last week and I finally gained weight- 2 pounds. I'm not nervous at all that I won't gain enough weight since I gained 42 with Chloe and 31 with Auron. I do hope I can keep it under 30 this time. 25 would be ideal. She tried 3 different fetoscopes but it was too early still and the baby seemed to be nestled pretty deeply in there. My midwife impressed me when she felt around and said that the baby seemed to be in the head-down position. Baby's only like 6 inches long! I though, "You have highly skilled, magic hands!"

We talked about my high stress levels and asked me if it would hurt anything if I took a break from school... I want to do everything (perfectly) and so the idea of taking a break is painful for me to imagine. I may take time to speak to my advisor.

I'm going to use a pregnancy update list that I stole from my friend Marcie! (Thanks Marcie! :)


Pregnancy Update:


How far along?: 19 weeks.

Total weight gain: 2 pounds.

How big is baby?: About 6 inches and 8-9 ounces.
Stretch marks?: That was done and over with with Chloe. I got 3 or 4 small ones with Auron. I doubt any new ones will crop up this time. If they do, oh well! I won't be heartbroken!

Sleep?: Thanks to Pepsin supplements that are eliminating heartburn... incredible!!

Best moment this week?: The kids kissing the belly and talking to the baby. So sweet!

Movement?: Increasing more and more. I was kind of squishing the belly when I was getting Auron to bed and Baby must have gotten cramped and kicked several times.

Food cravings?: Fruit juices, giant veggie Subs, and hot puffed Cheetos!

Labor signs?: I haven't started braxton hicks yet but with this being my third, I'm expecting more than ever later on.

Belly button in or out?: I have a permanent outie.

What I miss: Emotional stability.  ...Okay, just the amount of stability that I have when not pregnant. Doesn't mean it's a normal amount!

What I'm looking forward to: Hitting the 20 week mark; feeling more and stronger movements; our vacation in 3 weeks!

Milestone: Half-way point next week!

A Fond Memory of My Girl

Chloe's first birthday party was stressful in planning and perfect in realization. Everyone gathered around us on the floor in the living room to open up her presents and out of nowhere, Chloe climbs into my lap and rubs her face back and forth in my breasts. It had never happened before and everyone saw and laughed. All I could do was shrug and say, "she's breastfed!"

17 weeks

This is a belly shot taken at 17 weeks, 1 day at midday. I mention the time of day because, as every pregnant woman knows, the size of your belly increases with the time of day. It has gotten a lot bigger in the past week or two. I have had a permanent outie/turkey button since my pregnancy with Chloe. In fact the later I get in pregnancy, the more pressure there is in the button and the discomfort is both weird and intensely annoying. I've tried taping pennies and marbles over for counterpressure, but the amount of force of the uterus is overwhelming and nothing helps. The pressure is at a minimum right now but my uterus is about even with my navel and I expect an increase in discomfort within the next couple of weeks.

I started feeling much more pregnant this week, although it feels more like 27 weeks than 17 so this summer is going to be interesting.

In other news, we bought the most incredible Mom-mobile last week and we all love it! It's a 2007 Honda Odyssey and has so many features, it's ridiculous!

Driving 10+ hours to California next month is going to be great- especially with the built-in DVD player to keep the kids occupied. The GPS will be extremely helpful in navigating through L.A.

Auron's New Haircut

We were giving Daniel a haircut and asked Auron if he wanted one too. He said yes so the curls are gone! I'm still in shock a little bit but we have shaved his head before and it grew back so I'm not heartbroken. He is still handsome!!

Here is the before and after:

He's a new man!!

16 Weeks

Week 16

How your baby's growing:



Get ready for a growth spurt. In the next few weeks, your baby will double his weight and add inches to his length. Right now, he's about the size of an avocado: 4 1/2 inches long (head to rump) and 3 1/2 ounces. His legs are much more developed, his head is more erect than it has been, and his eyes have moved closer to the front of his head. His ears are close to their final position, too. The patterning of his scalp has begun, though his locks aren't recognizable yet. He's even started growing toenails. And there's a lot happening inside as well. For example, his heart is now pumping about 25 quarts of blood each day, and this amount will continue to increase as your baby continues to develop.


Today marks my 16th successful week into this pregnancy and I'm feelin' good. Actually I had a cold yesterday that took me down pretty hard but besides that, I'm good! I've even started feeling the baby move on a daily basis. I love to see and feel my poochy uterus when I'm laying flat.

My last midwife appointment went very well. I was supposed to have my pelvic exam done but we were too busy talking to get to it! I had not gained any weight yet, probably because I'm eating better and trying to be conscious of the glycemic index of what I eat.

The best thing about the appointment was when she was checking the heartbeat on the doppler. She felt my fudus and then put the doppler on the belly and kept moving it to find her (yes I think it's a girl). I think she kept wiggling away from the doppler and then when she pinned her down, she must have gotten mad and kicked the crap out of the doppler! It felt like a flick and I heard it on the doppler as well. It was great because I hadn't been feeling much movement then and the kick was so strong! I was 14 weeks at the time.

Clothes are beginning to be an issue. All of my jeans feel uncomfortable on the belly but I'm still not quite ready for actual maternity pants yet. I despise going around town in sweats but it's soo comfortable! I need to invest in a new Bella Band because apparently handling the pressure of two giant-bellied pregnancies was too much for the poor thing. I'm also considering a pregnancy pillow this time. I've always gotten by just surrounding myself with pillows (one under the belly, 2-3 behind the head, one between the legs, and one behind the back. Minimum!) but I think I would like more pampering this time since it is my last pregnancy. I'm just stuck on the cost- $65 for the top model, but I think that if I were to do it, I'd go for the good one. I don't know. We'll see how it goes.

I'll post a belly pic as soon as I remember to take one.

They're Freee!

I put up with the pain of Auron nursing up to this point but I just couldn't handle it anymore. He's officially weaned. :( My goal was to breastfeed through my pregnancy and tandem nurse, letting him self-wean.

It took about as long as it did with Chloe when I weaned her (about 3 1/2 months) but he is 8 months older than she was when I went through it with her so I think he was more ready. I decided to take the plunge on April 24th which was his 26 month birthday. He was down to about 5 or so feedings a day and it was mostly at night, so that night I decided I was done. I expected that he was not going to handle it well, so I built up a lot of patience and compassion and geared up for a night of mal-content. We set up a bed in the living room so that Chloe wasn't kept up with Auron's yelling/crying/freaking out and we got to work.

I told him that Boo Boo was all done and he cried. I held him and sang to him and he ended up going to sleep after 30 minutes. Not bad. I think Chloe cried about the whole night the first night. That was 9:00 and he woke up at 3 and asked for it. I told him that it was all done since he had forgotten and he just got pissed. He threw himself around for a while until Daniel (who was already up) took him into the living room to distract him with TV. That was it for the major tantrums but he did continue to ask for it over the past 2 weeks, but he doesn't freak out that much when I say no.

Now he sleeps much better; wakes up fewer times at night and seems to be taking longer naps. He's even started kissing the Boo Boos goodnight!

It will be nice to have a 5 month break before breastfeeding for another 2+ years. After this new baby's done, I will have racked up 5 1/2 years of breastfeeding! That's some good cancer protection.

Fooooooood!

Everytime I eat a meal, I think, "THAT was the greatest thing I have ever tasted!" -until the next one comes around. The best thing about this pregnancy so far is my absolute indulgence of food. I made a ham and cheese pita pocket for lunch and it was so delicious, I made two. Now I'm eating reheated shrimp and artichoke bake from dinner last night and it's heavenly. Wednesday I made a beef stew with egg noodles that completely rocked my world and gave me major mouth-gasms.

I lay in bed thinking about what food would be most delicious to have next until the mouth watering and stomach growls are too much to handle and I get up to eat. It feels so good to have this level of adoration or practically everything food because it distracts me from anything negative I might be experiencing at the time. Hormonal? I think I'm too hungry for that; maybe later. Backache? Shut up, I'm making a sandwich.

 Mmmm, I think I'll go eat now.

On to the 2nd Trimester!

Your Baby: Week 12


As you move into the second trimester, baby shifts into the growth and maturation stage. After weeks in the critical development stage, almost all of baby's systems are fully formed. (from thebump.com)

I've reached the 2nd Trimester and that means I should be feeling much better. Headaches and dizziness have begun, as well as the worst pregnancy symptom I get- acid reflux/heartburn. It usually starts around this time and I move to the recliner so that I can remain more upright and actually sleep at night. I'm not sure how well that's going to go with a breastfeeding 2 year old clinging to me all night. I've had to wean him from the left side because it's so sore. The right is too, but it is much more tolerable.

Chloe Quote of the Day

Early one morning, I suspect when Chloe was still amidst a dream, she shouts, "I LOVE CHICKENS!... And... I think I want to talk about it, because... even big kids talk about it."

Holy Wiggly Baby, Batman!

Sunday morning, the day that I rolled over to week 11, I was sitting on the couch, reclined, writing a paper for my Humanities class and I felt a little belly grasshopper. Actually, what happened was that I was curious to see if I could feel it if I tried, so I put my hand on my uterus and envisioned the baby... and flip-flop, there it was! I've never been able to feel movement this early, so this is very exciting. I felt it a few more times that day and it's happened each day since and without me trying. Last night I was snacking and it felt like popcorn popping in there. This is my favorite part of pregnancy, by far!

Chloe Quote of the Day

She always talks a lot at night and this is when we get to hear the Jewels of her imagination.

It was after Easter and she was thinking about bunnies. This was her conversation with her father:

Chloe: "Bunnies eat carrots and lettuce."

Daniel: "Very good. Yes they do."

Chloe: "I don't like salad. I like food."

Daniel: "Well, salad is a type of food."

Chloe (astonished by this): "It's just leaves!"

Heartbeat detected on doppler!

My first real prenatal appointment happened yesterday and was apparently excruciatingly painful for my poor hubby! It lasted an hour and a half because we talked about diet, previous birth experiences, my pleurisy, acid reflux, took blood, heard the heartbeat (yay!), and all that other stuff that you do at the first appointment. But really, boo-hoo! All he had to do was sit there, pretend like he cared (3rd-time dad= not so excited at appts anymore!), and respond to questions that the midwife had for him. He not-so-subtly requested to be spared from the pain of future appointments. What a baby!

Anyway, enough about him! It took a little bit of trying, but she finally heart the heartbeat with the doppler and it was much higher in my abdomen than I had thought it would be.

According to her scale, I had not gained any weight but by the work scale, I have gained 2 pounds. Either way is fine. I just hope it stays relatively low because it's hard to be big and pregnant and FAT on top of that!

I think I may have felt ONE tiny tap from the belly munchkin the other night... but, maybe it was gas! Movement is my #1 favorite thing about pregnancy. I can't wait!

I'm basically quadrupling my hours at work and that is going to be tough since the kids get majorly bored there and I don't want to have to depend on my grandma another 8 hours a week. Maybe we'll work out a way for them to stay occupied at work.

10 weeks... officially

Baby’s Development


The baby should measure in at 1.25” to 1.68”, the baby will continue to gain weight at the tenth week, and you should see a weight of about 5 grams. Don’t panic if the numbers are a little low or higher, every baby is different and the doctors are also monitoring the size of the baby. Also, at this stage the baby’s frame will be completely formed and now the baby’s organs and systems are continuing to develop.

The tail of the embryo has now disappeared and the fingers and toes are started to separate. The teeth and the taste buds are forming. The baby’s brain is still forming at an amazing rate. The baby’s heart is now fully developed. As the months go on, the baby will continue to grow and develop where all the organs are fully functional and all that is left is the baby for grow, gain weight before they are born. As you will see in the sonograms, the growth of the unborn baby is really amazing.



K, I'm just going to go by my original due date because I really don't think my Dr. knew what he was doing with the ultrasound machine. He's not a sonographer and the picture was REAALLY fuzzy. Besides that, I'd rather go by my original due date because I'd feel much better about going a week over, rather than 2....

So I have completed my 10th week and here is my update. Biggest thing: I am starting to feel great! I haven't had major nausea for 11 days and my energy has come back. I am always tired by 1pm, whether I do a lot before then or not. My belly is looking ridiculously large for this gestational age, but I should really stop being surprised about that. It always happens this way. I feel like I have to pee all the time- even right after I go. Every time I feel this, I think 'yeah, I totally remember this crap!'

Cravings: Powdrell's Barbeque, chicken fajitas, and a specific brand of strawberry fruit snack- which I cannot remember the name of. Anything on the List of Food Pregnant Women Shouldn't Eat. Nitrates, MSG, raw eggs (like in Caesar dressing), and most types of junk food. HOWEVER, I did find tomatoes incredibly delicious tonight when I made turkey tacos. By the way, I realized when I was making them that ALL SALSA IS FRUIT SALSA! Tomatoes are a fruit. Duh, me!

Anyway, back on track here. Daniel, the kids, and I are going to Albuquerque on Thursday so that he can meet the midwife and I'm hoping that she'll try to hear the heartbeat on doppler, and that it works. We'll finally be doing the initial bloodwork and all of that 1st-prenatal-visit stuff.

I've only gained 3 pounds and I am going to start using the treadmill soon to keep that number from exploding. I really don't care about stretch marks since I got them EVERY. WHERE. with Chloe and whatever, I'm on my third, I'm beyond stretch-mark-aphobia. I just don't want to gain a crazy amount of weight and I really want to be in good shape for labor. Let's see how that big goes.... (please find motivation!)

I'm going to cry my ass off. And then make food,.

I registered Chloe for Pre-K on Monday. Went to the school, filled out forms, happened to meet the nice lady who is going to be her teacher, asked her questions and left. I was pretty psyched at the prospect of my girl going to school full time and then... Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday... all day.... My baby girl's going to be in school forever!! That's 28 daylight hours A WEEK!  And then after Pre-K, it's Kindergarten, 1st, 2nd. Driving home from the school, I almost lost it. I had to call my mom and get some sympathy. She laughed at me. Thanks! That's great, mom!

On the bright side, she's going to absolutely love school- the kids, the learning, the comraderie. I'm seriously considering purchasing a bento box so that I can take time and prepare her special and HEALTHY lunches. School lunches in NM are disgusting. I know, I've been there! Soooo.... maybe this one since she REALLY loves Ponyo:

Okay, so I'm probably as excited as she will be and I have 5 months to prepare myself. -Sigh- my girl's growing up...

9 weeks or 10 weeks...

I had an ultrasound last week and the doctor guessed that I was a week ahead, making that potential due date October 26th. So today I'm either 8 weeks, 3 days or 9 weeks 2 days (in my 9th or 10th week). The baby is about an inch long now and lost the tail.

The important thing was we got to see our little belly babe's heartbeat! He scheduled me for another one in a month that I'm going to cancel because it's not necessary and I don't want any more unnecessary ultrasounds.

Symptom update:
Still nauseous all the time and I have to take at least one nap a day or I'm dying. Thankfully, Daniel has started being more sympathetic instead of telling me to 'get over it.' I'm still very emotional but that's a fact even when I'm not pregnant. I'm hungry all the time, which is good because if I don't eat for a while, I get pretty sick.

The belly's getting pretty plumpy, which is normal for me. Daniel told me the other night, "I'm diggin' the baby belly." Love that he's a fan! Here's a belly shot from 7 weeks 2 days:

MSG

I figured out a couple of years ago that I had a sensitivity to MSG (most people do) and I began eliminating foods with the ingredient "MSG" listed which resulted in much better health. I should point out that most MSG in food is hidden under another name.

In case you didn't know, MSG is a neurotoxin that causes a whole array of health problems including MS, Alzheimer's, Parkinsons, heart problems, respiratory problems, ADD/ADHD, headache, brain damage, and SOO many more.

MSG is in almost every processed food and it is currently being sprayed on food crops because it is a great pesticide. The most astonishing thing about this issue is that it is in INFANT FORMULA. Almost all of them. Now when someone says, "Well formula isn't poison!" I'm going to vehemently reply, "That is EXACTLY what it is!"

Thank God my milk is free of poison- now I have to completely eliminate it from our diets and that means learning all of the names of hidden MSG... I have some work to do.

Week 6 is over and all's well

I met my new midwife yesterday and I think I'm going to be happy with her. I LOVE that she called herself an "information junkie" because that's exactly the term I use for myself. AND she let me borrow a few of her books! Woo-hoo!

Symptom update: Nasea is killing me. I can't even let it take some pounds off of me because I have to eat CONSTANTLY and I've already gained at least 5 pounds. I could use the treadmill in my possession but I'm either feeling sick, wayy too tired, or busy doing something else, so... NO! Maybe I'll pick it up after I'm feeling human again.

I forgot how hard it is...

I'm pretty sure that every time I'm pregnant, I think of how awefully tiring it is to build a little body inside of me. But I forget. I think it's harder this time because I have TWO to watch, feed, take care of, and break apart every 10 minutes or less. Sometimes I get lucky and get them all set up with food or something and doze on the couch for a few minutes. SOOO TIRED!

Still Pregnant!

I am going to be 5 whole weeks pregnant tomorrow and everything seems norml and fine. I'm still a bitch, I'm not quite as crampy as I was a few days ago, I'm SO tired all the time but generally I'm great!

In total, I've had 10/10 positive tests (Dollar tree has great tests for a buck so I bought a bunch for fun!) and no AF show so everything seems like it's going well.

My first appointment with the midwife should be around March 15th and I'll be 8 weeks by then so maybe we'll be able to hear a heartbeat! Then I have an ultrasound scheduled for March 17th with my local family doctor who will be assisting with prenatal care so that I don't have to go to Albuquerque for every appointment.

Life is different in PregnantLand.

Chloe Quote of the Day

We were driving in snowy, fifteen-degree weather this morning and Chloe said,
"Cold is EVIL! Evil coldness is going to destroy the Earth."
Dang, my girl's deep!

Tiger Baby

I wasn't expecting to get pregnant during the second month of trying but WE DID IT!

Now I hadn't been feeling particularly pregnant but decided to get ahead of myself, my Dollar Tree tests and start testing a few days before my period was due.. just in case!

I woke up yesterday for the first morning catch, took the test, and checked it about 5 times before concluding that it was negative and probably too early anyway. A little bit later while Daniel was in the shower, I took it out of the drawer and it had a positive line. Whoa, hey! What's that?

I told Daniel, "I think I just got a positive test..."

Daniel's instant reaction: "So THAT'S why you've been such a bitch!"

Totally! At least, that's a reeally good excuse for calling him an idiot one day and stupid the next (I try to restrain myself and keep my words relatively unhurtful).

I cracked up laughing; it was such a perfectly honest and reasonable response. I told him that it wasn't definite yet because there was a chance it could just be an evaporation line and that I was barely 5 days pre-period (yet 10 DPO!).

I happened to have a doctor's appointment scheduled that morning for a mole and decided to talk to him about the possibility of a pregnancy. I told the nurse about it and so when the dr walked in he said, "Are you pregnant?" He has a small ultrasound machine in the OB exam room and went ahead and looked to see what was there. AND HE SAW IT! Well, there wasn't much to see since it's so early but there was something there. He told me to wait a little bit and keep testing; not to take the u/s as a confirmation.

So I left knowing that it was definitely a yes, even though he wasn't positive about it. I took two more tests between last night and this morning and they were both positive.

November 1st, it is!

Daniel and I are very excited and I think he's more warm to it than he has been in the past (this early on, anyway).

As far as feeling pregnant, there is no doubt. Auron wants to nurse all the time and pinch the 'unused' nipple which reminds me of the oh-so-pleasant pregnancy soreness that I get every time (although the right is much more sore than the left), the famous frequent urination, intermittent exhaustion, crampiness, apparent "bitchiness," and bloated/heaviness in the belly.

Now I have to have my pregnancy "confirmed" so that I can sign up for Medicaid, which will pay for my delicious natural birth at a birth center in Albuquerque.

I really hope I'm not too tired to continue college, work part-time, and take care of my two little monkeys all day. I can't wait to have a belly so that I can wear the cutie cute maternity clothes from Kiki's Fashions.com.

Wish my dang prenatals would come in. I'm almost out of my good vegetarian ones.

I keep peeing on sticks to feel the joy I get when the pink line appears.

Yay, baby! Now it's naptime.

Standing strong despite nay-sayers

When I got pregnant with my first child, it was received with lots of positivity (having your first is VERY exciting). With my second, the congratulations were a little bit muted except that there were SO many people who said, "I hope it's a boy!!!"

Now that we're attempting our third (and I can't contain my excitement!), most of the reactions are negative. "But I thought you were going to take a break from that." "Do you really think that's a good idea? Kids are haard!" "Okaaay. Uh, good luck." And, "What?! Another one!? I really think you should wait" (granted, that one came from a drunk friend). Thanks, assholes! Why can't you just pretend to be supportive and shut the fuck up!?

We are good parents and we love our children. We have the right to do what we please! Besides, we take better care of our kids than so many other parents I know.

On the other hand, I have received support from some unexpected people and their warmth and positivity has helped to balance out the nay-sayers. My mother, mother-in-law, and my doctor all responded with genuine support. In fact, when I went in for my pre-conception check-up, my doctor's instant reaction was excitement! I was definitely not expecting so much support from him!

I'm not going to let negativity get me down. I know in my heart what is right and it really isn't anyone else's business.

My Yummy

This is Auron nursing his pet frog a couple of weeks ago in his dinosaur pajamas. At first he told me to do it but I thought it was sticky and dirty and I refused. He often tells me to give Bee-Boo to his "babies." He's a very loving little daddy. You can bet his wife will be a breastfeeder!

Mwahh!

My beautiful, loving children.

Okay, so they fight like... A LOT! But they really do love each other. When we were putting Chloe to bed she said, as she hugged her new purple Care Bear, that she wanted to dream about Care Bear Land and then she named each of us individually and said that she wanted us to go with her there. When she got to her brother she said that she wanted Auron to go to Care Bear Land too. I asked him if he wanted to go and (since he was nursing at the time) just said, "mmhmm!" That made Chloe smile and hug her bear.

She can never convince me that she doesn't completely adore him. The cat's out of the bag, kiddo! I will so use this against you down the road!!

The heart-shaped mother inside of me

I went into labor naturally 1 week late with Chloe when my water broke on a Wednesday afternoon. Through all of the chaos and pain (I still don't have her birth story finished yet!), I ended up having my body cut into to get her out. That was traumatic for me emotionally, physically, and, I think, psychically. After stumbling my way out of the stupor that was post-surgical Percocet I began to feel this weird ache...

I thought at first that it was my incision or even my uterus contracting back into its pre-pregnancy size but it was something different and I knew it. Then one day, I was laying in bed with that tiny girl who I was unmeasurably in love with sitting on my belly and the driving ache eased a little bit. Light bulb! My uterus was aching to hold my baby again. I think because she came out unnaturally, and my womb did not go through the process of birth, it was going through separation trauma! I know it sounds weird to speak of an organ like it has feelings but this was her home! It held her and grew her and nourished her until it was sliced open and the baby that it had embraced for 41 weeks was yanked from its loving warmth. And it was aching.

Realizing this was heart-breaking for me. My body was so in-tune with this child from the very start. I could feel when we conceived; I could feel that she was a girl; I could feel every little movement, every little hiccup and now my body was empty and it knew that it wasn't supposed to happen that way. It felt like a physical form of PTSD with an anxiety, depression spin to it.

So once I figured it all out, I did the only thing I could think of to ease the pain: I'd hold her little body against my belly and push her into my uterus so that it could get its "fix." I did this for a week or two whenever I'd feel that sensation and eventually it went away. It was like I had to reassure it that she was there and that she was okay. Like it was the mother inside of me that was taking care of our baby until she passed the responsibility on to me.

When I had Auron, I half-expected the feeling to come back and prove to me that I was wrong and that this feeling was a normal by-product of birth, but it never came. The Inner-Mother felt strong and stable. She worked hard to get him out, even when I was asleep and not consciously trying to help and afterward she slipped into a peaceful slumber, probably feeling accomplished and empowered by the successful birth she was finally able to achieve.

I remember the feeling of that ache and it is directly connected to my heart. It makes me want to cry because it was such a primal sadness but it reminds me how much I love my daughter. I am so lucky to have such a perfectly imperfect girl. She made me a mother. She made the Inner-Mother one too.

She is truly heart-shaped as she is a bicornuate uterus. Even the shape of her signifies love.

Being Present

I am coming to the realization that being present in your own life, in your own experiences and choices is vital. By taking responsibility and being accountable for all of your actions, you empower yourself.

Being a parent means that you now have complete responsibility for the life (not just childhood!) of another person! It is not something to be take upon lightly or pushed aside as unimportant.

Just in becoming a parent you either choose to have a child or you create one unintentionally. That single act in itself can change everything. It can change the way that the child is raised and parented. Because each one of my children has been fully planned and intentional, I feel that it makes them a more accepted part of my life. I started their existence with intention and continue to make choices about their lives with the same degree of intent.

Birth can be something that you choose to control or you can choose to pass the reigns off to someone else, usually a doctor, like most women do. You can take charge of this experience and make it what you want it to be (at least as much as you can influence yourself), or you can just stay along for the ride and risk becoming a "victim" of the system or worse, your child becoming a true victim of it.

The choices a parent makes are sometimes unclear and uncut but they are choices none-the-less. Take the choice of giving your child her birthright of your milk or giving her highly processed artificial milk. I have encountered women who have told me that they never even considered breastfeeding, like it wasn't an option for some reason. I don't get that. You have a baby and your milk comes in. You choose whether or not to put that baby to your breast and it is fully intentional, whether they admit it or not. Most women have to go through the pain of engorgement and the nuisance of unwanted milk until the body finally gives up and stops producing.

To empower yourself means to educate yourself on the subject and then proceed to make an informed decision. Read about crying it out! Read about home-birth! Read about starting solids or spanking or birth control! Whatever it is, if you take the time to find out about your options and the truths behind them, you are empowering yourself to be present in these decisions and to make better decisions. When it is your children on the line, it is too important and impactful to neglect consideration.

Fact: women who are educated are much more likely to breastfeed because they are aware of the benefits of it as well as the risks of artificial feeding. This just makes sense. Gain knowledge; take it and make a smart choice!

Frugality

I discovered this wonderful 2nd-hand store last year that sells pre-owned children's clothing and now I shop there at least twice a year. We went recently to get most of the clothes that the kids will be wearing this summer. We spent almost an hour there. The kids were well-behaved and played with other kids while I did the shopping.

The end result was incredible.... I got 30 items for $82 and got a Moby Wrap for an incredible $30 (online: $50-$79.99)! I like it much more than slings- easier on the back though it is harder to get them in and out.

Here's what I came away with:

This included skirts, shorts, pants, shirts, and very cute dresses for Chloe. Some items were brand new and costed the
most at around $7.

I love Other Mother's so much, I want to go back and double the size of their wardrobes!

Cereal for Idiots

When Chloe wants to eat cereal, she gives us step-by-step instructions in case we don't know what we're doing. She says, "Mom I want cereal. Cereal and milk and big spoon and big plate and napkin." It's only with cereal that she does this but it's every morning without fail.

Auron, of course, has to do everything his sister is doing so he started this request list as well but his goes something like this: "Mom. Mik annd... mik annd... mik annd... mik..." and he'll just keep going until I agree to fill his request.

I love how my kids think I don't understand the process of making cereal! I cook all the time you guys! And meals much more complex than cereal.